Strange Times: Midlife Misfit

Do you ever think about the fact that no matter what stage of life you’re in, it’s brand new to you? I do. I can’t speak for men, obviously, because I am not one, but I think for women it can be on the verge of traumatic, this whole aging thing.

I swear, I’m not trying to be dramatic about it, but just think…it’s a recognized phenomena, that women “of a certain age” become practically invisible to the world around them. And take someone like me, who has always been outgoing and weirdly friendly, who suddenly finds their very personality has become something that seems to freak people out a little bit. What is charming and endearing in a young woman becomes weird and kind of scary in an older woman, I guess. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive or something, and maybe it’s the world that is different, not just me, but I swear my average grocery store interactions with strangers are on the whole more awkward than they once were.

All this to say, I am feeling more than a little adrift these days. I don’t exactly know where I fit into the world anymore. And I don’t really have any friends nearby, which I think would help a lot- having friends around makes everything more tolerable, in my experience.

My hope in starting this new blog was that it would push me to get out and do more things so that I would have stuff to write about. I hoped that I would be able to fire myself up and get passionate about life again.

Instead, it rained four hundred and fifty million times since the start of the year, and when it wasn’t raining, it was freezing ass cold, none of that very conducive to getting out or being motivated to do anything. I’ve got weird vibes from neighbors (long story) and absolutely nothing to do without getting in my car and driving, and a fourteen year old who spends 90% of her time at home locked in her room on the phone.

Sigh.

Also, let’s be real- I’m hardcore into escapism through TV and reading, and the call of William Murdoch and his seventeen seasons of mysteries is alluring as hell when I get off work every day.

But JHC, I have got to wrangle myself out of this rut and get out of my own way. Because there is more to life than this, I know for a fact that there is.

So where do I start? What do I do? I don’t need overnight success here, I will happily settle for incremental forward movement.

Today, in just a few hours, I’m driving up to see my daughter Aisley and my beautiful grandkids, Malakai & Genevieve. I know for sure that will be good for my spirit.

And tomorrow…tomorrow, I promise, I will do one more thing that makes me feel happy. I don’t know what that will be yet, but I will report back here.

Talk soon,

Courtney

PS: I am totally open to tips, advice, commiseration and anything else you want to throw my way. This shit is hard. I need help.