The Change(ling)

Category: Living

  • Dark Days

    When I decided to start this series, my intention was to document my efforts to move toward happiness in my perimenopausal-almost empty nest- who even am I- era.

    I had no idea that I would be trying to go through and figure all of that out while simultaneously witnessing the crumbling of the United States government and the trampling of our Constitution.

    It’s a scary time to be a woman in this country. Scarier than usual. It’s a scary time to be anything other than a heterosexual white dude, really.

    I’d like to say I’m not afraid, but I’d be lying. But more than fear, I feel fucking furious. Outraged by the shit that’s going on and what is being allowed to happen.

    Maybe you didn’t come here for politics, but I have news for you- who I am IS political. My rights as a woman, the rights I have over my own body being called into question, make ME political.

    Every attempt I have made over the past few weeks to be happy have been nothing more than a distraction from the overarching sense of doom that every sane person I know feels.

    Don’t let anyone tell you this is fine. Congress being locked out of government buildings that are manned by armed guards belonging to Elon Musk is not FINE. Dismantling the US government agencies however Musk and Trump feel like it is not fine. Lying to the American people is not fine. Freezing funds already allocated by Congress is not fine. Removing women in STEM from NASA and the military is not fine. Deciding to remove all information regarding LQBTQA from EVERYTHING is not fine. Cancelling DEI is not fine. Shutting down the Department of Education is not fine.

    Being a bloated, lying, rich, heartless piece of actual shit is not fine. It will not stand. And we will not forget or let it go. Donald Trump and Elon Musk, JD Vance, and all the members of his junk drawer cabinet will never know a moment of peace again in this lifetime. This stain will follow them to their deaths. And I am not sorry for that.

    So, I will continue to look for happiness as I move ahead into my 50th year on earth. But that happiness is going to look a lot different than I thought it would. It’s going to look a lot like spiteful glee. And I am okay with that.

  • Strange Times: Midlife Misfit

    Do you ever think about the fact that no matter what stage of life you’re in, it’s brand new to you? I do. I can’t speak for men, obviously, because I am not one, but I think for women it can be on the verge of traumatic, this whole aging thing.

    I swear, I’m not trying to be dramatic about it, but just think…it’s a recognized phenomena, that women “of a certain age” become practically invisible to the world around them. And take someone like me, who has always been outgoing and weirdly friendly, who suddenly finds their very personality has become something that seems to freak people out a little bit. What is charming and endearing in a young woman becomes weird and kind of scary in an older woman, I guess. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive or something, and maybe it’s the world that is different, not just me, but I swear my average grocery store interactions with strangers are on the whole more awkward than they once were.

    All this to say, I am feeling more than a little adrift these days. I don’t exactly know where I fit into the world anymore. And I don’t really have any friends nearby, which I think would help a lot- having friends around makes everything more tolerable, in my experience.

    My hope in starting this new blog was that it would push me to get out and do more things so that I would have stuff to write about. I hoped that I would be able to fire myself up and get passionate about life again.

    Instead, it rained four hundred and fifty million times since the start of the year, and when it wasn’t raining, it was freezing ass cold, none of that very conducive to getting out or being motivated to do anything. I’ve got weird vibes from neighbors (long story) and absolutely nothing to do without getting in my car and driving, and a fourteen year old who spends 90% of her time at home locked in her room on the phone.

    Sigh.

    Also, let’s be real- I’m hardcore into escapism through TV and reading, and the call of William Murdoch and his seventeen seasons of mysteries is alluring as hell when I get off work every day.

    But JHC, I have got to wrangle myself out of this rut and get out of my own way. Because there is more to life than this, I know for a fact that there is.

    So where do I start? What do I do? I don’t need overnight success here, I will happily settle for incremental forward movement.

    Today, in just a few hours, I’m driving up to see my daughter Aisley and my beautiful grandkids, Malakai & Genevieve. I know for sure that will be good for my spirit.

    And tomorrow…tomorrow, I promise, I will do one more thing that makes me feel happy. I don’t know what that will be yet, but I will report back here.

    Talk soon,

    Courtney

    PS: I am totally open to tips, advice, commiseration and anything else you want to throw my way. This shit is hard. I need help.